Today my colleague asked how long I had been there, saying, “was it since March?” No, in fact, I am approaching my third month at the gallery and it has made me realise that whilst I started confident and ready to take on any challenge, right now I am TERRIFIED of my job.
Terrified of messing up, terrified of not knowing how to do things and most of all, terrified of my colleagues not liking me or thinking I’m a bad worker. I really didn’t think that I would be succumbed by such fear or start becoming so negative at myself, but there it is, I don’t think I’m that good anymore.
With any new life venture, there are things you are going to not know how to do. Starting real life and real work, there were a few that I started becoming aware of. The most obvious is how to use the database and getting information from people. A few mistakes along the way and I’m suddenly less confident in my abilities, despite the fact that I know how to use the system more than most of my colleagues. I just happen to sit next the people who know how to use it the most.
But it’s that not knowing how to start or how to do things that terrifies me so much. I’m currently beginning two pretty big projects that I just don’t really know how to do and whilst I have asked for help, it still doesn’t help enough. I know I know you learn from doing but I also don’t want mess up some important application for money when… we obviously need the money. It’s a fear of failure that it stopping me from even starting.
I feel like my fear is becoming more and more of an impediment. Maybe it’s because I am used to being the star intern and here I am, having come in and the person before me was the star worker and seems to have been able to do everything that I still need to learn how to do. The other thing I’ve realised is that you can learn a lot at an internship but being an intern will never prepare you for the working world where you have to form relationships, fix problems and do all the important tasks that an intern is not allowed to do and consider it in a more long-term manner. I’m still used to having a manager check all my work, so I am consistently asking other members of my department, which may be annoying for them. At the same time, I keep finding I should ask to avoid repeating something that already exists without knowing it because I’m at the weird stage of still being new.
I just feel bad about work. It’s frustrating not to be able to complete the projects on my plate because I am waiting for more information from someone and then as soon as I start again, I get stuck with the “how in the world do I do this?” I like to get things done, as soon as possible. And so I make mistakes because I am delaying my work. At the same time, I get bored because I don’t have enough things to do and then I will have a flurry of things and stress about it and then get bored again because I was trying to be efficient so finished everything.
My job is great and my colleagues are great, but I think I need to get through this awkward hump of being new but not being new and I just have to learn as much as possible.